A moment of weakness…

Since no one is perfect (although many believe they are) every single person will at one point have a moment of weakness. It does not mean that we are any less of a person or not worthy. It means that at that particular moment we have lost our inhibition to be strong and fearless. We allow pain whether it be physical or emotional into our hearts. Then weakness sets in… I today had that moment of weakness. I have been strong for the past week, well as strong as I can be considering the circumstances but today I must of left that strength at home. We went into the mall to purchase my husband a spring jacket and new shoes and we passed by the maternity store that I had so happily purchased clothes out of just a few months ago; a few months before our lives changed. I knew in my mind that we had to pass that store and kept telling myself to focus and stay strong…as I approached the store I seen the most beautiful summer dress in the window and I know had I still been pregnant I would have begged my husband for it, he would have said “No” and then let me try it on just to see how beautiful I looked in it and then he would have bought it for me. But instead I just stared at it feeling the lump form in my throat. At that moment a pregnant woman walked out with bags of clothes and a big smile on her face; she was glowing. I too had that same smile before, but not anymore. Then it hit me like a bag of bricks…Im not pregnant anymore. I dont have a beautiful little girl growing inside me. I cant feel her kicks anymore. I have nothing left except her memory, heart beat, clothes and her ashes. All of this started running through my mind and the tears started to build up. I didnt want to be that woman standing in the mall crying so I walked away as fast as I could without sprinting. My husband can see the tears in my eyes and asks me whats wrong and I couldn’t even speak because I knew if I did I would fall in his arms and cry. I held it together until we got to the car and then I had my moment of weakness. The warm tears felt so familiar but unwanted. I didnt want to feel so weak. I need to be strong. I have to be. Finally I was able to comfort and console myself enough to stop the tears from wanting to form. I am sure it was Jesus by my side because suddenly I felt at peace again. I felt warmth and the ache in my heart started to subside again. I wonder if I will often have moments of weakness and if that in turn is making me stronger…I also cant help but wonder if God has a greater purpose for me, one that I just dont see yet. I wonder if my life and Isabelles life are meant to change the world? I believe everyone is destined to do great things and think my destiny is clearly in front of me and I’m just starting to see it since giving birth to an angel. I want to help people, I just dont know where to start. I want to be strong, and compassionate and be the person God set forth for me. I must remain strong and inspire the world.

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