Starting over, from scratch…

Literally. From Scratch. Just like when someone is in the process of baking a loaf of bread and while they are waiting for the yeast to rise something happens and the loaf just does not continue to rise, so it is discarded and a new loaf is started. This is how I envision how my pregnancy went and how we are starting over again. Its now been 7 weeks and 5 days since my daughter went to Heaven. I did not know how soon after everything happened when we would want to resume trying again, but we decided after the 6 week mark that we were ready. So there we were, ready to try to create another life; and hope we can bring this one home with us…alive. Going to the store to buy supplies was bittersweet for me. After all why am I buying ovulation tests and early pregnancy tests when I should be just starting my third trimester? very hard pill to swallow. So I quickly grab a box of ovulation tests and throw them in the cart, then a few boxes of pregnancy tests so that I have them ready when I need them. While waiting in line I worried that the cashier would make some remark to me and I pondered how I would handle it. How do you tell someone your baby died 7 weeks ago and your trying to have another one? Would they think I was crazy? UGH I drove myself insane in the 3 minutes waiting in line. Once it was my turn to cash out I placed my items on the counter and tried to not make eye contact in hopes that she would not talk to me…well it worked. I cashed out and not a word was said. I walked out and felt the cold wind to my flushed cheeks, it felt so good. I was burning up inside of there. After I got home I went to the bathroom and left the supplies in there and sat down on my bed and cried. There they were again, the warm familiar tears. They were falling faster than I could catch them. All I could think in that moment was that God’s hands must be over flowing with my tears right now! Finally after a few moments of sadness I regained my strength. I wiped away my tears, I kissed her urn and I asked her to send us a baby just as sweet as her. I felt better after having that cry session. I had to vent after going through the whole store experience. Now we are a week into trying to conceive our next baby and that too has been bittersweet, its hard to make love to someone while all you can think about is the fact that last time this resulted in the biggest heartache ever. My husband has been very tender with me as he knows I am fragile and for that I will forever be thankful, but I really just cannot believe we are starting over…from scratch…



One thought on “Starting over, from scratch…

  1. hello
    i hope you are finding strength on this time of you’re life,,my name is Catherine gaviola im from the Philippines my daughter Madison gaviola she also had a cystic hygroma it wasnt detected until she was born so we were all shocked..when i gave birth to her she had no pulse no pulse or heartbeat the doctor just the doctor just revived her praise God for that she spent 24 days in the hospital underwent 2 operations for tracheotomy on that 24 days she was declared no hear/pulse..intense prayers..helped,,
    We just left everything on God’s hand now thankfully she is home with us her cyst is still there we are waiting for her to be 1 year old to for it be removed she is only 3 mos now
    dont loose hope our God is faithful he will never abandoned us He is always there for us.
    cath g.

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