Sweet dreams and Sweet Lullabies to my Angel up above

Wrote this for Isabelle ❤

Sweet angel in the sky, sometimes I wonder if you can see me cry? Do my tear drops fall in heaven just like the rain falls on earth? I know you are in Jesus' arms dancing in the clouds.

Do you sing to me with the wind?
Because I feel you every where I've been. Sometimes I wonder if you tickle my nose with feathers just floating in the breeze?
At times it really puts my mind at ease.

Once the sun sets and shines on me no more, I feel you with me evermore. You shine through the stars, a sparkling delight. I find you each and every night, I look for the star that is ever so bright.

I do not wish upon your star, for I already know where you are. Beside me watching with glee, as I stare into the sky, with so much to see.

To sleep I must go now again and hope that in my dreams we will find each other again, until then I love you and sweet dreams my child.

Does a broken heart ever really mend?

I asked myself this question today and awaited a response from within but there was nothing. No answer. So does this mean there is really no answer to this question?

I tell myself everyday that I must trudge on and keep moving forward because anything else is moving backwards. This task is very hard, its like walking a path with lots of patches of burning coals. I keep walking forward knowing there will be pain but I cant turn back because there is pain that way too. So you see no matter what I do there will be pain and heartache.

This walk of grief has been hard on my soul. There have been moments of joy and thoughts of making it through and then there have been moments of deep sadness and despair. Sometimes I feel like I cannot win. I feel like I am under a black cloud and nothing good will come. 2013 has turned out to be the worst year in my entire life and I do not see anything good happening in the future. I know you may be wondering why I am being so negative and its simple, because there has been nothing positive to write about today. Yes, I am at a low point right now and I will get above water eventually but for now I need to feel what I feel when I feel it. That is part of the grieving process. I can be mad, sad, angry and happy. I am entitled to.

So what do I have to do to mend my broken heart? will I find pieces along the way? or will it just never be the same?

Broken_Heart

The Stranger’s loss

Odd title huh? let me elaborate.

In this society many are not inclined to help other’s in a time of need… To be brutally honest most just turn their head the other way and pretend to not notice because then they will not be expected to react. How sad is that?

Most people carry on day to day and continue walking forward with “horse blinders” on. They see what they want to see and nothing more.

blinders

This has been shown to happen over and over again, there are numerous tragic stories about things happening while people just stood by and watched…never offering any help. There are a few specific events that stick out in my mind… a small child was hit by a car and laid in the street injured, the video coverage shows people walking by and looking but never helping the child. That child died. A man was pushed onto the train tracks in NYC a few months ago and not only did no one help him up before the train hit him, but instead they found time to take a picture moments before the train took away the mans life. Pretty disturbing isn’t it?

There is one story that I will always remember of help being offered during an injury, and it was not a person. It was an animal. I’m sure most have either seen or heard of the story of the dog that was hit by a car and another dog risked his life to drag the injured dog across a few lanes of traffic to safety, shortly after some people rushed over and helped. The dog survived.

So why is it that animals can display such selflessness but most of us cannot?

I’ve recently asked myself this over and over again after going through the loss of a child. Most of my friends and family offered support and condolences but not many followed through. I had received so many messages of hope and love for the first week or so, but then it just stopped. I had felt so amazing after the loss knowing I had such a huge support system, but sadly those feelings came crashing down after it stopped. I felt alone and vulnerable. There was no one there to rescue me.

I could have just sulked into a depression and allowed myself to just cry until I could no more but I didn’t. Instead I turned my pain into gain. I realized that what has happened to me has also happened to others. I did not want anyone feeling my hurt, I did not want anyone feeling alone in this walk with grief. I have to save them.

So I started this blog with hopes to “help” others in need. So they know they are not alone. At first I did not know if or how it would work, I just figured I will put my hands on the keyboard and whatever comes to mind I will type. I am pretty amazed at all I have written so far. I can honestly say after re-reading my own posts that I inspire myself. I keep myself going and I trudge through even on days when my legs cant move.

I was so excited watching my blog count go up and when I reached 400 hits I thought “Wow! I AM touching peoples lives!” I was so very proud of myself and humbled. Now I have over 5,500 hits! To know that I have inspired that many people touches my heart in such an amazing way. It makes me feel alive.

Helping others in need is something we should all be doing. You have no idea how you will impact another persons life. For all I know maybe a woman read my blog and decided against having an abortion, or maybe they decided to take a leap of faith and do something they never imagined doing. Maybe I made someone smile when they were down in the dumps. I will never know, but I hope that I have affected each and every person that has visited my blog. I have received such amazing comments and messages that it makes my heart smile.

If I can say one thing to the world it would be to help those in need because you never know when you will be the one in need.

I am a stranger to everyone here, but yet you all have helped me xoxo

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Should have been

I wrote this today and I hope it will touch your heart the way it did mine. xoxo

“Should have been”
*A Poem for mother’s grieving the loss of their baby on their due date.*

My life changed forever once I knew you were with me.
And every appointment I had brought me closer to meeting you.
I delicately counted up the weeks, thinking soon I would reach the peak.
I had so many plans for you, so many plans for me.
So you see you were very special to me.
Our bond was like no other, we were one.
I often wondered what day you would be born.
Would you be late or early?
I wondered what your cry would sound like and how happy I would be.
But the only crying sounds I heard were my own.
I never imagined it would be like this.
I should have been at the end of my last trimester.
But I’m not.
I should have been holding you in my arms so proudly and showing you off.
Instead of the nurses coming in to see you and smile they tip toed around afraid to make me cry.
The room was so silent and sad; it was as if I was in a room at the end of the earth.
There were no balloons, flowers or congratulatory cards.
Instead just sympathy cards and a paper with a list of funeral homes listed.
I was given all the time in the world with you, but it did not bring you back.
After we said good bye I watched you be wheeled away.
Part of me wanted to scream “Stop! Why are you taking my baby away?”
But I knew I could not do that. Instead I crumpled to the bed and sobbed my tears away.
The first night sleeping without you was hard; I wished it was just a bad nightmare.
My womb was still swollen from the life it carried, but it felt empty inside.
The next morning was worse, packing up my things, knowing I was leaving without you.
I should have been dressing you in your “going home” outfit and taking your last hospital pictures.
But instead I had to walk out of the hospital doors with nothing in my arms.
I came in pregnant and scared; and left empty and broken hearted.
Now all I have left is your memories and the “should have been”

© Copyright 2013 by Patricia J. Mercogliano
All rights reserved

cryingmom

Fly high on the wings of Butterflies…

Everyday I miss and think about her. Today I would have been starting my 31st week of my pregnancy, instead I am starting the 11th week since she went to Heaven. I am always looking for signs that she is around me and I have not had any lately. Maybe she is just having a wonderful time in Heaven ❤ I wonder if she is with other loved ones that have gone too soon. Do they know she is our daughter…?

When someone told me that grief is like a rollercoaster I only half believed them. I thought to myself I could get through this, but they were right…100% right. It is like a rollercoaster and sometimes it has such sharp turns that it knocks me off my feet. I spent one Sunday in bed most of the day because I just had no energy to put my feet on the ground. I can thank my best friend for coming and getting me out of bed that day, otherwise I would not have.

Just this past Sunday I walked 3 miles in her honor at the March of Dimes. It was nice and I got to walk with my some amazing people including a lady that also lost her baby girl to Turners Syndrome. It is so refreshing to talk to other women that share your pain. They know exactly how you feel. I am planning a nice "angelcation" to Myrtle Beach this year as well and it will be with other mommies that lost babies to Turners Syndrome. It will be so refreshing and I know our angels will be so happy that they brought us together.

Also as far as having another baby goes, even though we did everything correct last month I did not get a positive pregnancy test. So we are about to start our 2nd month trying. We will stay optimistic and know that God will bless us when the timing is right. xoxo

Isabelle2

I am still standing…

On May 5th I am invited to break the silence on loss and show the world that I am STILL STANDING after loss and infertility by sharing a picture on facebook, twitter, instagram and pinterest. I will include the hashtag “#iamstillstanding” to connect with and find others participating. Its such an amazing idea and so far I see that over 500 people are going to be doing the same thing. How amazing it will feel to tell the world I am an angel mommy, even though most already know. I made my picture that I will upload on May 5th and I love it. I miss my daughter so much, every day I grow stronger though. She is so proud of her mommy. I just know it. I know there are SO many women that suffer in silence and it is so sad to go through this alone, no matter how early the loss is it was still a loss and it still broke our hearts. I know that having something “Freshly Pressed” gets the word out there, so I will hope and pray this gets “Freshly Pressed” because then maybe it will reach some mommy’s or daddy’s that have lost a child. Maybe it will give them the courage to tell the world. If anyone reads this post, please share with others and get the word out. IF this one post can help ease someone’s pain then it was all worth it. God Bless! xoxo

Here is the ‘Event’ page on Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/events/552753651414253/

Baby Girl

Who am I?

Interesting question isn’t it? How often do we ask ourselves this? I have always thought that I knew who I was until I started to read my own blogs and I learned more about myself… so I thought it would be kind of interesting to type as many things about myself that I could think of because just thinking these things is not enough! I invite anyone that reads this to look inside yourself and ask yourself the same question, enlighten others with your response, its a true way to get to know yourself and for others to get to know you, and I can guarantee some things will be hilarious! So challenge accepted…(yes, I challenged myself)

Ready, Set, GO! (there is no order to this, I’ll type whatever comes to mind)

-I am German, Norwegian and Cherokee Indian; I was born in a small town called Birkinfeld, Germany.
-Yes, I am fluent in German.
-I grew up not knowing where “home” was as we moved around a lot due to being in a military family.
-I stole a candy necklace from Stewarts when I was 8.
-I used to play basketball for school and always had to have orange juice and a snickers bar on the way to practice.
-I was the Zelda master.
-I hated my butt in highschool so I always wore shirts around it, now looking back I dont know what I was thinking because I had an AMAZING tooshie!
-I have cold feet. No seriously, like dead person cold feet.
-I hate touching feet. Gross.
-I love vibrant/neon colors.
-My favorite color is pink and orange is a close second.
-I love elephants, they are magestic.
-I hate owls; let me re-phrase that…. I HATE owls. Creepy things! It is NOT natural to turn a head as far as they do, and the eyes, oh God the eyes….they stare into your soul.
-I hate clowns, I would probably punch one in the throat if it ever came after me.
-I am afraid of dark water. Im telling you there could be monsters in there!! If I cant see the bottom I dont go in! Clear water or no water!
-I think sharks would look friendly with dentures.
-I get excited when I jump in bed with clean sheets.
-I cant stand wearing socks in bed.
-I love flip flops. I will wear them until it snows!
-I dont like people touching my toes.
-I never went to prom.
-I learned to drive in a very old pick up truck that not only back fired but continued to run even after the ignition was turned off. It would then finally shut off after stalling a few times.
-When I was 14 I had no boobs and I used to stuff my bra with tissues.
-My favorite soda is Sprite.
-I love Velveeta shells and cheese.
-I ran track and field all year long while in highschool.
-I had my first child at 18 years old.
-I hate slip and slides…for the love of God why did there have to be a rock under there?!
-I love Iris’s.
-I love hot weather.
-Lip gloss is my best friend
-I hate wearing high heels… lets be honest ladies…your feet feel like dying after wearing them for a while.
-I can drive a standard car…even on days when I have to be tortured to wear heels!
-I like window shopping.
-I like driving around with no destination.
-I have a fetish with purses and perfume.
-I can tell when people lie to me.
-I married the man that made me believe in love at first sight.
-I lost a child, stillborn.
-I lost a child, miscarriage.
-I dont like doing “girly” things, I dont have time for that.
-I get along better with guys than girls….some girls are just vicious!
-I love texting, blogging and facebooking (is that a word?).
-I have a pitbull and he is the sweetest dog in the world.
-I am a strong woman.
-I have a huge heart.
-I am smart and witty.
-I have an unusually magnetic personality.
-I believe in God.
-I go to church every Sunday.
-I talk in my sleep…and sometimes get up and run out of my bedroom resulting in me waking up on the living room floor wondering how I got there and why my wrist hurts.
-I sometimes run around my house like an idiot chasing my husband to tickle him.
-I play hide and seek with my dog….really I do…I throw his tennis ball in the other room and while he runs to get it I hide and then he always finds me. He loves it and it makes me laugh so hard.
-I work for a repossession company. Better pay your bill!
-I am creative and have an amazing imagination.
-I love grilled food, has to be a charcoal grill though.
-I ask my husband to get me treats when I think I deserve one…and yes…I ask for one just like a little kid would.
-Finally I love finding people that I can help.

Hope you enjoyed! Now its your turn!!!

Z