Sweet dreams and Sweet Lullabies to my Angel up above

Wrote this for Isabelle ❤

Sweet angel in the sky, sometimes I wonder if you can see me cry? Do my tear drops fall in heaven just like the rain falls on earth? I know you are in Jesus' arms dancing in the clouds.

Do you sing to me with the wind?
Because I feel you every where I've been. Sometimes I wonder if you tickle my nose with feathers just floating in the breeze?
At times it really puts my mind at ease.

Once the sun sets and shines on me no more, I feel you with me evermore. You shine through the stars, a sparkling delight. I find you each and every night, I look for the star that is ever so bright.

I do not wish upon your star, for I already know where you are. Beside me watching with glee, as I stare into the sky, with so much to see.

To sleep I must go now again and hope that in my dreams we will find each other again, until then I love you and sweet dreams my child.

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Does a broken heart ever really mend?

I asked myself this question today and awaited a response from within but there was nothing. No answer. So does this mean there is really no answer to this question?

I tell myself everyday that I must trudge on and keep moving forward because anything else is moving backwards. This task is very hard, its like walking a path with lots of patches of burning coals. I keep walking forward knowing there will be pain but I cant turn back because there is pain that way too. So you see no matter what I do there will be pain and heartache.

This walk of grief has been hard on my soul. There have been moments of joy and thoughts of making it through and then there have been moments of deep sadness and despair. Sometimes I feel like I cannot win. I feel like I am under a black cloud and nothing good will come. 2013 has turned out to be the worst year in my entire life and I do not see anything good happening in the future. I know you may be wondering why I am being so negative and its simple, because there has been nothing positive to write about today. Yes, I am at a low point right now and I will get above water eventually but for now I need to feel what I feel when I feel it. That is part of the grieving process. I can be mad, sad, angry and happy. I am entitled to.

So what do I have to do to mend my broken heart? will I find pieces along the way? or will it just never be the same?

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The Stranger’s loss

Odd title huh? let me elaborate.

In this society many are not inclined to help other’s in a time of need… To be brutally honest most just turn their head the other way and pretend to not notice because then they will not be expected to react. How sad is that?

Most people carry on day to day and continue walking forward with “horse blinders” on. They see what they want to see and nothing more.

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This has been shown to happen over and over again, there are numerous tragic stories about things happening while people just stood by and watched…never offering any help. There are a few specific events that stick out in my mind… a small child was hit by a car and laid in the street injured, the video coverage shows people walking by and looking but never helping the child. That child died. A man was pushed onto the train tracks in NYC a few months ago and not only did no one help him up before the train hit him, but instead they found time to take a picture moments before the train took away the mans life. Pretty disturbing isn’t it?

There is one story that I will always remember of help being offered during an injury, and it was not a person. It was an animal. I’m sure most have either seen or heard of the story of the dog that was hit by a car and another dog risked his life to drag the injured dog across a few lanes of traffic to safety, shortly after some people rushed over and helped. The dog survived.

So why is it that animals can display such selflessness but most of us cannot?

I’ve recently asked myself this over and over again after going through the loss of a child. Most of my friends and family offered support and condolences but not many followed through. I had received so many messages of hope and love for the first week or so, but then it just stopped. I had felt so amazing after the loss knowing I had such a huge support system, but sadly those feelings came crashing down after it stopped. I felt alone and vulnerable. There was no one there to rescue me.

I could have just sulked into a depression and allowed myself to just cry until I could no more but I didn’t. Instead I turned my pain into gain. I realized that what has happened to me has also happened to others. I did not want anyone feeling my hurt, I did not want anyone feeling alone in this walk with grief. I have to save them.

So I started this blog with hopes to “help” others in need. So they know they are not alone. At first I did not know if or how it would work, I just figured I will put my hands on the keyboard and whatever comes to mind I will type. I am pretty amazed at all I have written so far. I can honestly say after re-reading my own posts that I inspire myself. I keep myself going and I trudge through even on days when my legs cant move.

I was so excited watching my blog count go up and when I reached 400 hits I thought “Wow! I AM touching peoples lives!” I was so very proud of myself and humbled. Now I have over 5,500 hits! To know that I have inspired that many people touches my heart in such an amazing way. It makes me feel alive.

Helping others in need is something we should all be doing. You have no idea how you will impact another persons life. For all I know maybe a woman read my blog and decided against having an abortion, or maybe they decided to take a leap of faith and do something they never imagined doing. Maybe I made someone smile when they were down in the dumps. I will never know, but I hope that I have affected each and every person that has visited my blog. I have received such amazing comments and messages that it makes my heart smile.

If I can say one thing to the world it would be to help those in need because you never know when you will be the one in need.

I am a stranger to everyone here, but yet you all have helped me xoxo

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Should have been

I wrote this today and I hope it will touch your heart the way it did mine. xoxo

“Should have been”
*A Poem for mother’s grieving the loss of their baby on their due date.*

My life changed forever once I knew you were with me.
And every appointment I had brought me closer to meeting you.
I delicately counted up the weeks, thinking soon I would reach the peak.
I had so many plans for you, so many plans for me.
So you see you were very special to me.
Our bond was like no other, we were one.
I often wondered what day you would be born.
Would you be late or early?
I wondered what your cry would sound like and how happy I would be.
But the only crying sounds I heard were my own.
I never imagined it would be like this.
I should have been at the end of my last trimester.
But I’m not.
I should have been holding you in my arms so proudly and showing you off.
Instead of the nurses coming in to see you and smile they tip toed around afraid to make me cry.
The room was so silent and sad; it was as if I was in a room at the end of the earth.
There were no balloons, flowers or congratulatory cards.
Instead just sympathy cards and a paper with a list of funeral homes listed.
I was given all the time in the world with you, but it did not bring you back.
After we said good bye I watched you be wheeled away.
Part of me wanted to scream “Stop! Why are you taking my baby away?”
But I knew I could not do that. Instead I crumpled to the bed and sobbed my tears away.
The first night sleeping without you was hard; I wished it was just a bad nightmare.
My womb was still swollen from the life it carried, but it felt empty inside.
The next morning was worse, packing up my things, knowing I was leaving without you.
I should have been dressing you in your “going home” outfit and taking your last hospital pictures.
But instead I had to walk out of the hospital doors with nothing in my arms.
I came in pregnant and scared; and left empty and broken hearted.
Now all I have left is your memories and the “should have been”

© Copyright 2013 by Patricia J. Mercogliano
All rights reserved

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Fly high on the wings of Butterflies…

Everyday I miss and think about her. Today I would have been starting my 31st week of my pregnancy, instead I am starting the 11th week since she went to Heaven. I am always looking for signs that she is around me and I have not had any lately. Maybe she is just having a wonderful time in Heaven ❤ I wonder if she is with other loved ones that have gone too soon. Do they know she is our daughter…?

When someone told me that grief is like a rollercoaster I only half believed them. I thought to myself I could get through this, but they were right…100% right. It is like a rollercoaster and sometimes it has such sharp turns that it knocks me off my feet. I spent one Sunday in bed most of the day because I just had no energy to put my feet on the ground. I can thank my best friend for coming and getting me out of bed that day, otherwise I would not have.

Just this past Sunday I walked 3 miles in her honor at the March of Dimes. It was nice and I got to walk with my some amazing people including a lady that also lost her baby girl to Turners Syndrome. It is so refreshing to talk to other women that share your pain. They know exactly how you feel. I am planning a nice "angelcation" to Myrtle Beach this year as well and it will be with other mommies that lost babies to Turners Syndrome. It will be so refreshing and I know our angels will be so happy that they brought us together.

Also as far as having another baby goes, even though we did everything correct last month I did not get a positive pregnancy test. So we are about to start our 2nd month trying. We will stay optimistic and know that God will bless us when the timing is right. xoxo

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I am still standing…

On May 5th I am invited to break the silence on loss and show the world that I am STILL STANDING after loss and infertility by sharing a picture on facebook, twitter, instagram and pinterest. I will include the hashtag “#iamstillstanding” to connect with and find others participating. Its such an amazing idea and so far I see that over 500 people are going to be doing the same thing. How amazing it will feel to tell the world I am an angel mommy, even though most already know. I made my picture that I will upload on May 5th and I love it. I miss my daughter so much, every day I grow stronger though. She is so proud of her mommy. I just know it. I know there are SO many women that suffer in silence and it is so sad to go through this alone, no matter how early the loss is it was still a loss and it still broke our hearts. I know that having something “Freshly Pressed” gets the word out there, so I will hope and pray this gets “Freshly Pressed” because then maybe it will reach some mommy’s or daddy’s that have lost a child. Maybe it will give them the courage to tell the world. If anyone reads this post, please share with others and get the word out. IF this one post can help ease someone’s pain then it was all worth it. God Bless! xoxo

Here is the ‘Event’ page on Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/events/552753651414253/

Baby Girl

The Book of Life

I feel so honored to have received this certificate! My childs name is forever in the Book of Life in NYC. I find it so amazing that her name will be read by so many, people will pray for her and our family and we may never know any of these people. I have tried my hardest to keep her memory alive and to spread awareness and help support those grieving while I grieve myself and I can say I am proud of myself and I am so happy to have been blessed by her short life here. xox

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How to Grieve

Does anyone really know the “correct” way to grieve? Is there even a “correct” way? I know going through the grieving process myself was very much like becoming a first time mother. I had so much advice from different people, some suggested that I take my time, while others suggested to just move forward as fast as I could. It is so hard to listen to everyone knowing your heart is so confused on how to feel. So how do you grieve? Im going to explore how I have grieved and I hope that whoever reads this can comment with how they grieve or what got them through a hard time in life.

Firstly for me, it was not possible for me to be depressed. I have a husband and a 9 year old daughter that I have to be strong for. I have a job that I have to work at full time and I do not have time to sit around and feel sorry for myself. No matter what obstacle has come in my path I have never faced it with depression. I have felt myself starting to fall into depression but quickly talked myself out of it. Almost like getting close to the edge and then suddenly remembering that if I fall down I would have to climb back up, something that I dont have time for and I certainly do not want to be stuck at the bottom of a pit. So being depressed just simply was not an option.

After the initial shock of what happened I told myself that I have to weigh out the pro’s and con’s of what happened and why. It was then that I realized had she not gone to heaven she could have been faced with a poor quality of life depending on how severe her condition was, and that she could have ended up spending more time in the hospital than at home. My heart would have broke more everyday seeing her in pain. So I asked myself what hurt more? having my heart shattered in one day and then move forward on repairing it or having my heart break slowly over time just to possibly end up shattered in the end. Although I am not happy that my heart suffered such a blow, I am grateful that it was a quick blow and not one that was prolonged. Maybe she would have had a wonderful life and turned out to be a miracle, but I will never know that. I had to reason with myself to get through this.

Amazingly enough after loosing her, I turned into a different person, I told myself I had to reach out and find other women going through this and help them. I just have to… And I did. It brought me such joy sharing my story about Isabelle and listening to the stories of the loss of other angels. I cried for them and I felt the same pain they did. After a while I no longer teared up talking about my angel, instead I smiled because she made me so strong and I feel like my strength has helped others get through the pain they were feeling deep inside. Also all of us women not only share the pain of the loss of a child, but we all share the same faith in our God. How amazing is that?

I still felt compelled to do as much good as I could possibly do so I bought some special gifts for these women and sent them out, I know in one way or another I have impacted them. If a stranger can show such kindess then surely the world must not be as bad as we all think. I hope it shows there is still faith in humanity. Something this world needs to know still exists. Helping other’s makes me feel joy and it helps my heart not hurt so much.

Through the past 7 weeks since I lost my daughter I have been told that I am an “inspiration” and that I am “amazing” and “strong”… all things that Ive never been told before. Things I never envisioned about myself. At first I thought those people were just being nice knowing that I was hurting, but then complete strangers started saying it and I received messages of hope and courage. I could not believe all the support I was getting all because I was being kind to others through a loss. I never imagined I would be a person that people would look up to or admire, Ive always been such a kind hearted person but never thought anyone would give me any recognition for it. Ive always just been the “welcome mat” so to speak. I was always that friend that was there when people needed but when they didnt need me they forgot about me, but still I was there for them. No matter what. I never believed in the saying “Forgive but dont forget” because if I forgive someone why would I want to hold on to the memory of why I had to forgive them in the first place? to me thats like having someone come over to your house and drop a glass and break it and after you forgive the person you hold onto the broken pieces…why? of course most would throw away the broken glass as its no longer useful. Same goes for forgiving someone, I forgive and I forget, by choice.

All of this combined has helped me grieve. I am not the only person in this world that grieves nor will I be the last. But I can leave a lasting impression on the world by staying strong and moving forward to change the world. I will continue to be kind and help as much as I can and I will make my daughter in heaven proud, she will point down to me and tell other angels “Thats my Mommy”

Remember Love makes the world a much better place!

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