Checking in…

I know its been a while since my last post, and I promise I did not just vanish! 🙂

I just needed some time to myself and to continue in my healing process. I have since removed some negative people from my life and have continued to move forward step by step, even if that meant baby steps.

I have so much to fill in but not enough time today, so I will catch up soon!

xoxo

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Sweet dreams and Sweet Lullabies to my Angel up above

Wrote this for Isabelle ❤

Sweet angel in the sky, sometimes I wonder if you can see me cry? Do my tear drops fall in heaven just like the rain falls on earth? I know you are in Jesus' arms dancing in the clouds.

Do you sing to me with the wind?
Because I feel you every where I've been. Sometimes I wonder if you tickle my nose with feathers just floating in the breeze?
At times it really puts my mind at ease.

Once the sun sets and shines on me no more, I feel you with me evermore. You shine through the stars, a sparkling delight. I find you each and every night, I look for the star that is ever so bright.

I do not wish upon your star, for I already know where you are. Beside me watching with glee, as I stare into the sky, with so much to see.

To sleep I must go now again and hope that in my dreams we will find each other again, until then I love you and sweet dreams my child.

Rough Days Ahead…

Everyone told me there would be good days and bad. That every moment I had would be up in the air. How I feel will change day to day and then somedays I will have nothing to say. There will be days of joy and bliss but there will always be something amiss.
How can I smile when somedays I dont even want to open my eyes?
Or how do I stand up when my knees feel so weak? I struggle somedays just to get out of bed but no one sees that as I hide it well…I start some days with a lump in my throat and hope no one notices. I hope they dont notice the tears building up…My heart is big, but it has scars, some are deep and some are small but they remind me just how strong I am on the days I feel down… Sometimes its the only thing that gets me through. I just didn’t believe the words spoken to me, about rough days ahead filled with sadness at times. I naively thought I would be just fine but it turns out ‘just fine’ did not bode to well for me because it seems day after day my heart aches in a way that cannot be healed. I leave my trust and faith in my God above to get me through these rough days ahead so that I can truly smile instead.

Today I remember…

Today is a day I remember freedom isnt free. Today I also remember all those that fought for you and me. Those that lost a life in turn may have saved many lives, the ultimate sacrifice. The men and women that serve this country with such honor and respect deserve to be thanked each and every day, but especially today. I will especially thank the ones already layed to rest in the ground they died protecting. The saying is true that “all gave some and some gave all”. So today lets give them our all, our honor and respect, Our love and compassion and most of all appreciation. God Bless and thank you for making me feel safe and protected.

Does a broken heart ever really mend?

I asked myself this question today and awaited a response from within but there was nothing. No answer. So does this mean there is really no answer to this question?

I tell myself everyday that I must trudge on and keep moving forward because anything else is moving backwards. This task is very hard, its like walking a path with lots of patches of burning coals. I keep walking forward knowing there will be pain but I cant turn back because there is pain that way too. So you see no matter what I do there will be pain and heartache.

This walk of grief has been hard on my soul. There have been moments of joy and thoughts of making it through and then there have been moments of deep sadness and despair. Sometimes I feel like I cannot win. I feel like I am under a black cloud and nothing good will come. 2013 has turned out to be the worst year in my entire life and I do not see anything good happening in the future. I know you may be wondering why I am being so negative and its simple, because there has been nothing positive to write about today. Yes, I am at a low point right now and I will get above water eventually but for now I need to feel what I feel when I feel it. That is part of the grieving process. I can be mad, sad, angry and happy. I am entitled to.

So what do I have to do to mend my broken heart? will I find pieces along the way? or will it just never be the same?

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The Stranger’s loss

Odd title huh? let me elaborate.

In this society many are not inclined to help other’s in a time of need… To be brutally honest most just turn their head the other way and pretend to not notice because then they will not be expected to react. How sad is that?

Most people carry on day to day and continue walking forward with “horse blinders” on. They see what they want to see and nothing more.

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This has been shown to happen over and over again, there are numerous tragic stories about things happening while people just stood by and watched…never offering any help. There are a few specific events that stick out in my mind… a small child was hit by a car and laid in the street injured, the video coverage shows people walking by and looking but never helping the child. That child died. A man was pushed onto the train tracks in NYC a few months ago and not only did no one help him up before the train hit him, but instead they found time to take a picture moments before the train took away the mans life. Pretty disturbing isn’t it?

There is one story that I will always remember of help being offered during an injury, and it was not a person. It was an animal. I’m sure most have either seen or heard of the story of the dog that was hit by a car and another dog risked his life to drag the injured dog across a few lanes of traffic to safety, shortly after some people rushed over and helped. The dog survived.

So why is it that animals can display such selflessness but most of us cannot?

I’ve recently asked myself this over and over again after going through the loss of a child. Most of my friends and family offered support and condolences but not many followed through. I had received so many messages of hope and love for the first week or so, but then it just stopped. I had felt so amazing after the loss knowing I had such a huge support system, but sadly those feelings came crashing down after it stopped. I felt alone and vulnerable. There was no one there to rescue me.

I could have just sulked into a depression and allowed myself to just cry until I could no more but I didn’t. Instead I turned my pain into gain. I realized that what has happened to me has also happened to others. I did not want anyone feeling my hurt, I did not want anyone feeling alone in this walk with grief. I have to save them.

So I started this blog with hopes to “help” others in need. So they know they are not alone. At first I did not know if or how it would work, I just figured I will put my hands on the keyboard and whatever comes to mind I will type. I am pretty amazed at all I have written so far. I can honestly say after re-reading my own posts that I inspire myself. I keep myself going and I trudge through even on days when my legs cant move.

I was so excited watching my blog count go up and when I reached 400 hits I thought “Wow! I AM touching peoples lives!” I was so very proud of myself and humbled. Now I have over 5,500 hits! To know that I have inspired that many people touches my heart in such an amazing way. It makes me feel alive.

Helping others in need is something we should all be doing. You have no idea how you will impact another persons life. For all I know maybe a woman read my blog and decided against having an abortion, or maybe they decided to take a leap of faith and do something they never imagined doing. Maybe I made someone smile when they were down in the dumps. I will never know, but I hope that I have affected each and every person that has visited my blog. I have received such amazing comments and messages that it makes my heart smile.

If I can say one thing to the world it would be to help those in need because you never know when you will be the one in need.

I am a stranger to everyone here, but yet you all have helped me xoxo

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Should have been

I wrote this today and I hope it will touch your heart the way it did mine. xoxo

“Should have been”
*A Poem for mother’s grieving the loss of their baby on their due date.*

My life changed forever once I knew you were with me.
And every appointment I had brought me closer to meeting you.
I delicately counted up the weeks, thinking soon I would reach the peak.
I had so many plans for you, so many plans for me.
So you see you were very special to me.
Our bond was like no other, we were one.
I often wondered what day you would be born.
Would you be late or early?
I wondered what your cry would sound like and how happy I would be.
But the only crying sounds I heard were my own.
I never imagined it would be like this.
I should have been at the end of my last trimester.
But I’m not.
I should have been holding you in my arms so proudly and showing you off.
Instead of the nurses coming in to see you and smile they tip toed around afraid to make me cry.
The room was so silent and sad; it was as if I was in a room at the end of the earth.
There were no balloons, flowers or congratulatory cards.
Instead just sympathy cards and a paper with a list of funeral homes listed.
I was given all the time in the world with you, but it did not bring you back.
After we said good bye I watched you be wheeled away.
Part of me wanted to scream “Stop! Why are you taking my baby away?”
But I knew I could not do that. Instead I crumpled to the bed and sobbed my tears away.
The first night sleeping without you was hard; I wished it was just a bad nightmare.
My womb was still swollen from the life it carried, but it felt empty inside.
The next morning was worse, packing up my things, knowing I was leaving without you.
I should have been dressing you in your “going home” outfit and taking your last hospital pictures.
But instead I had to walk out of the hospital doors with nothing in my arms.
I came in pregnant and scared; and left empty and broken hearted.
Now all I have left is your memories and the “should have been”

© Copyright 2013 by Patricia J. Mercogliano
All rights reserved

cryingmom

How will I feel?

I am now in what is know as the “two week wait” which is basically the time frame of waiting to find out if I am pregnant or not. I am so anxious to find out but yet I am frightened. How will I react to knowing that I am pregnant again? How will I react if its negative? Will I cry either way? I just really dont know. If I was pregnant I would be due on December 31st 2013. Wow…what a wonderful way to end the year. I had thought this was the worst year ever after losing my daughter, but if we are able to have another baby before the year ends we would be so happy! Wondering what God has in store for us next because it has to be GREAT!!

Yesterday was the 2 month anniversary of Isabelle’s birth and death. In the same breath we said hello and goodbye. It was a tough day for me emotionally. I did a good job taking control of those emotions though. I do miss feeling her move inside of me and I look at her pictures often because she was so beautiful Praying we will be blessed again! Looking to the sky for our “rainbow” baby!

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I am resilient…

These past few months have been a blur. I never in my life thought I would be faced with such sadness and a broken heart. I’ve gone through things in my life in the past that I thought were so horrible and didnt know how I would get through it but then this all happened and its honestly the worst thing that has happened to me in my entire lifetime. My heart has never broke like this before. Its still broken, but I also learned just how strong I am. I am resilient. I made it through the worst time in my life and I can still smile afterwards. I know many may wonder how I go on day to day and I can answer that in just 1 word. Faith. Whether you are religious or not there is no denying that my faith got me through this storm and I praise God for that. I’ve learned who my real friends are and who they are not. I miss my daughter everyday and often wonder who she would have become. As her due date nears I wonder how I will get through that day knowing she could have been in our arms healthy and alive. Instead she is flying with the angels in heaven. I have such peace in my heart and know that we will be blessed with another baby that we can bring home with us alive. I am grateful for that because I know God knows my heart. I was blessed with a little girl 9 years ago and another 7 weeks ago and my heart holds nothing but love for them both. I love my daughters so very much. My husband has been my rock and with him I can get through anything. Thank you to everyone who has been by my side to wipe away tears, hug me or even just talk to me because it meant the world to me. Xoxo

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A Bereaved Parent’s Wish List

“Grief is like the ocean; it comes on waves ebbing and flowing. Sometimes the water is calm, and sometimes it is overwhelming. All we can do is learn to swim” *Vicki Harrison*

1. I wish my child had not died. I wish I had her still. Growing inside me and not yet ready to meet the world.

2. I wish you wouldn’t be afraid to speak my child’s name. She lived inside of me and was so very important to me. I need to hear that she was important to you as well.

3. If I cry and get emotional when you talk about my child, I wish you knew that it isn’t because you have made me sad. My child’s death is the reason behind my tears. You may have talked about my child, and you have allowed me to share my grief. I thank you for both as this pain is so deep.

4. I wish you wouldn’t think that just because my child did not even take one breath of air, that she was not even there. Because you could not see, but she was practicing inside of there.

5. Being a bereaved parent is not contagious, so I wish you wouldn’t shy away from me. I need you more than ever. Cant you see?

6. I need diversions, so I do want to hear about you; but I also want you to hear about me. I might be sad and I might cry, but I wish you would let me talk about my child, my favorite topic of the day.

7. I know that my child’s death may pain you, but I wish you would let me know things through a phone call, a card or a note, or a real big hug. Feeling alone is the worst feeling of all.

8. I wish you wouldn’t expect my grief to be over in six months. These first months are traumatic for me, but I wish you could understand that my grief will never be over. I will suffer the death of my child until the day I take my last breath and join her in heaven.

9. I am working very hard in my recovery, but I wish you could understand that I will never fully recover. I will always miss my child, and I will always grieve that she is dead.

10. I wish you wouldn’t expect me “not to think about it” that will not happen for a very long time so don’t frustrate yourself.

11. I don’t want to have a “pity party,” but I do wish you would let me grieve. I must hurt before I can heal.

12. I wish you understood how my life has shattered. I know it may be uncomfortable for you to be around me when I’m feeling down, but please be patient with me.

13. When I say, “I’m doing okay,” I wish you could understand that I don’t feel okay and that I struggle daily.

14. I wish you knew that all of the grief reactions I’m having are very normal. Depression, anger, hopelessness and overwhelming sadness are all to be expected. So please excuse me when I’m quiet and withdrawn or irritable and cranky.

15. Your advice to “take one day at a time” is excellent. I wish you could understand that I’m doing good to handle her at an hour at a time.

16. I wish you understood that grief changes people. When my child died, a big part of me died with her. I am not the same person I was before my child died, and I will never be that person again.

17. I wish you would not think that just because I have another child that is living with me still that I cannot be sad and mourn the loss of my other child.

18. I wish very much that you could understand – understand my loss and my grief, my silence and my tears, my void and my pain. But I pray daily that you will never have to understand.

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