How will I feel?

I am now in what is know as the “two week wait” which is basically the time frame of waiting to find out if I am pregnant or not. I am so anxious to find out but yet I am frightened. How will I react to knowing that I am pregnant again? How will I react if its negative? Will I cry either way? I just really dont know. If I was pregnant I would be due on December 31st 2013. Wow…what a wonderful way to end the year. I had thought this was the worst year ever after losing my daughter, but if we are able to have another baby before the year ends we would be so happy! Wondering what God has in store for us next because it has to be GREAT!!

Yesterday was the 2 month anniversary of Isabelle’s birth and death. In the same breath we said hello and goodbye. It was a tough day for me emotionally. I did a good job taking control of those emotions though. I do miss feeling her move inside of me and I look at her pictures often because she was so beautiful Praying we will be blessed again! Looking to the sky for our “rainbow” baby!

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Who am I?

Interesting question isn’t it? How often do we ask ourselves this? I have always thought that I knew who I was until I started to read my own blogs and I learned more about myself… so I thought it would be kind of interesting to type as many things about myself that I could think of because just thinking these things is not enough! I invite anyone that reads this to look inside yourself and ask yourself the same question, enlighten others with your response, its a true way to get to know yourself and for others to get to know you, and I can guarantee some things will be hilarious! So challenge accepted…(yes, I challenged myself)

Ready, Set, GO! (there is no order to this, I’ll type whatever comes to mind)

-I am German, Norwegian and Cherokee Indian; I was born in a small town called Birkinfeld, Germany.
-Yes, I am fluent in German.
-I grew up not knowing where “home” was as we moved around a lot due to being in a military family.
-I stole a candy necklace from Stewarts when I was 8.
-I used to play basketball for school and always had to have orange juice and a snickers bar on the way to practice.
-I was the Zelda master.
-I hated my butt in highschool so I always wore shirts around it, now looking back I dont know what I was thinking because I had an AMAZING tooshie!
-I have cold feet. No seriously, like dead person cold feet.
-I hate touching feet. Gross.
-I love vibrant/neon colors.
-My favorite color is pink and orange is a close second.
-I love elephants, they are magestic.
-I hate owls; let me re-phrase that…. I HATE owls. Creepy things! It is NOT natural to turn a head as far as they do, and the eyes, oh God the eyes….they stare into your soul.
-I hate clowns, I would probably punch one in the throat if it ever came after me.
-I am afraid of dark water. Im telling you there could be monsters in there!! If I cant see the bottom I dont go in! Clear water or no water!
-I think sharks would look friendly with dentures.
-I get excited when I jump in bed with clean sheets.
-I cant stand wearing socks in bed.
-I love flip flops. I will wear them until it snows!
-I dont like people touching my toes.
-I never went to prom.
-I learned to drive in a very old pick up truck that not only back fired but continued to run even after the ignition was turned off. It would then finally shut off after stalling a few times.
-When I was 14 I had no boobs and I used to stuff my bra with tissues.
-My favorite soda is Sprite.
-I love Velveeta shells and cheese.
-I ran track and field all year long while in highschool.
-I had my first child at 18 years old.
-I hate slip and slides…for the love of God why did there have to be a rock under there?!
-I love Iris’s.
-I love hot weather.
-Lip gloss is my best friend
-I hate wearing high heels… lets be honest ladies…your feet feel like dying after wearing them for a while.
-I can drive a standard car…even on days when I have to be tortured to wear heels!
-I like window shopping.
-I like driving around with no destination.
-I have a fetish with purses and perfume.
-I can tell when people lie to me.
-I married the man that made me believe in love at first sight.
-I lost a child, stillborn.
-I lost a child, miscarriage.
-I dont like doing “girly” things, I dont have time for that.
-I get along better with guys than girls….some girls are just vicious!
-I love texting, blogging and facebooking (is that a word?).
-I have a pitbull and he is the sweetest dog in the world.
-I am a strong woman.
-I have a huge heart.
-I am smart and witty.
-I have an unusually magnetic personality.
-I believe in God.
-I go to church every Sunday.
-I talk in my sleep…and sometimes get up and run out of my bedroom resulting in me waking up on the living room floor wondering how I got there and why my wrist hurts.
-I sometimes run around my house like an idiot chasing my husband to tickle him.
-I play hide and seek with my dog….really I do…I throw his tennis ball in the other room and while he runs to get it I hide and then he always finds me. He loves it and it makes me laugh so hard.
-I work for a repossession company. Better pay your bill!
-I am creative and have an amazing imagination.
-I love grilled food, has to be a charcoal grill though.
-I ask my husband to get me treats when I think I deserve one…and yes…I ask for one just like a little kid would.
-Finally I love finding people that I can help.

Hope you enjoyed! Now its your turn!!!

Z

And so it begins…

I have been using ovulation tests for the past two weeks or so and I finally received my smiley face indicating a positive. This to me means we are about to embrace the opportunity to create life again. It is bittersweet as I said before but we need this new life so much right now. Please pray for us and send heaps of baby dust my way xoxo

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A sign…

I’m usually not one to believe in signs or “messages” from loved ones but something happened today that stopped me in my tracks. A couple weeks ago I ordered some birthstone angels from Precious Moments to send out to some mommies that also lost babies and I ordered myself a cute clock. Once it was delivered I un-packed it and put the battery in (brand new battery) and it worked perfectly. I love the clock because in a way it symbolizes that time ticks away and every second gone is a second I cant get back. It reminds me to cherish life and remember the time we had with Isabelle. Now one thing that I have not shared with many is the one thing that has been heavy on my heart/mind…knowing when my sweet Isabelle’s heart stopped beating. I’ve cried so many times over this and it agonized me. The hospital staff had told me that since she was not viable they would not hook up the fetal heart monitor…that crushed me because I knew I was never going to hear her heart beating again while she was alive. They gave us one final ultrasound at 10:45pm and during that ultrasound they said she was already in heart failure and did not have much longer. I clung to hope that she would hold out and at least be able to take one breath before going to heaven. But she didnt. She was born at 8:14am and they said she looked like she had passed away at least 7 hours prior to being born. But they didnt know exactly when. Now back to the story of the clock. Remember how I said it worked perfectly and had a brand new battery? Well it stopped working last night. It was working fine in the afternoon and then when I looked at it this morning it was stopped right at 11:35pm. I cant help but think thats my baby girl letting me know when she died. There is no other explanation for a brand new clock to just stop. I highly doubt the battery was bad. The timing fits perfectly as 45 minutes before that they said she was in heart failure…has Jesus answered my prayers because I have been so faithful? Is my little girl comforting me to help me move past that burning question on when she died? I will never know but I am taking it as a sign either way. The weight of that question no longer weighs me down. I feel peace in my soul. Thank you baby girl, Mommy loves you so much xoxo

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Starting over, from scratch…

Literally. From Scratch. Just like when someone is in the process of baking a loaf of bread and while they are waiting for the yeast to rise something happens and the loaf just does not continue to rise, so it is discarded and a new loaf is started. This is how I envision how my pregnancy went and how we are starting over again. Its now been 7 weeks and 5 days since my daughter went to Heaven. I did not know how soon after everything happened when we would want to resume trying again, but we decided after the 6 week mark that we were ready. So there we were, ready to try to create another life; and hope we can bring this one home with us…alive. Going to the store to buy supplies was bittersweet for me. After all why am I buying ovulation tests and early pregnancy tests when I should be just starting my third trimester? very hard pill to swallow. So I quickly grab a box of ovulation tests and throw them in the cart, then a few boxes of pregnancy tests so that I have them ready when I need them. While waiting in line I worried that the cashier would make some remark to me and I pondered how I would handle it. How do you tell someone your baby died 7 weeks ago and your trying to have another one? Would they think I was crazy? UGH I drove myself insane in the 3 minutes waiting in line. Once it was my turn to cash out I placed my items on the counter and tried to not make eye contact in hopes that she would not talk to me…well it worked. I cashed out and not a word was said. I walked out and felt the cold wind to my flushed cheeks, it felt so good. I was burning up inside of there. After I got home I went to the bathroom and left the supplies in there and sat down on my bed and cried. There they were again, the warm familiar tears. They were falling faster than I could catch them. All I could think in that moment was that God’s hands must be over flowing with my tears right now! Finally after a few moments of sadness I regained my strength. I wiped away my tears, I kissed her urn and I asked her to send us a baby just as sweet as her. I felt better after having that cry session. I had to vent after going through the whole store experience. Now we are a week into trying to conceive our next baby and that too has been bittersweet, its hard to make love to someone while all you can think about is the fact that last time this resulted in the biggest heartache ever. My husband has been very tender with me as he knows I am fragile and for that I will forever be thankful, but I really just cannot believe we are starting over…from scratch…

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The Book of Life

I feel so honored to have received this certificate! My childs name is forever in the Book of Life in NYC. I find it so amazing that her name will be read by so many, people will pray for her and our family and we may never know any of these people. I have tried my hardest to keep her memory alive and to spread awareness and help support those grieving while I grieve myself and I can say I am proud of myself and I am so happy to have been blessed by her short life here. xox

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How to Grieve

Does anyone really know the “correct” way to grieve? Is there even a “correct” way? I know going through the grieving process myself was very much like becoming a first time mother. I had so much advice from different people, some suggested that I take my time, while others suggested to just move forward as fast as I could. It is so hard to listen to everyone knowing your heart is so confused on how to feel. So how do you grieve? Im going to explore how I have grieved and I hope that whoever reads this can comment with how they grieve or what got them through a hard time in life.

Firstly for me, it was not possible for me to be depressed. I have a husband and a 9 year old daughter that I have to be strong for. I have a job that I have to work at full time and I do not have time to sit around and feel sorry for myself. No matter what obstacle has come in my path I have never faced it with depression. I have felt myself starting to fall into depression but quickly talked myself out of it. Almost like getting close to the edge and then suddenly remembering that if I fall down I would have to climb back up, something that I dont have time for and I certainly do not want to be stuck at the bottom of a pit. So being depressed just simply was not an option.

After the initial shock of what happened I told myself that I have to weigh out the pro’s and con’s of what happened and why. It was then that I realized had she not gone to heaven she could have been faced with a poor quality of life depending on how severe her condition was, and that she could have ended up spending more time in the hospital than at home. My heart would have broke more everyday seeing her in pain. So I asked myself what hurt more? having my heart shattered in one day and then move forward on repairing it or having my heart break slowly over time just to possibly end up shattered in the end. Although I am not happy that my heart suffered such a blow, I am grateful that it was a quick blow and not one that was prolonged. Maybe she would have had a wonderful life and turned out to be a miracle, but I will never know that. I had to reason with myself to get through this.

Amazingly enough after loosing her, I turned into a different person, I told myself I had to reach out and find other women going through this and help them. I just have to… And I did. It brought me such joy sharing my story about Isabelle and listening to the stories of the loss of other angels. I cried for them and I felt the same pain they did. After a while I no longer teared up talking about my angel, instead I smiled because she made me so strong and I feel like my strength has helped others get through the pain they were feeling deep inside. Also all of us women not only share the pain of the loss of a child, but we all share the same faith in our God. How amazing is that?

I still felt compelled to do as much good as I could possibly do so I bought some special gifts for these women and sent them out, I know in one way or another I have impacted them. If a stranger can show such kindess then surely the world must not be as bad as we all think. I hope it shows there is still faith in humanity. Something this world needs to know still exists. Helping other’s makes me feel joy and it helps my heart not hurt so much.

Through the past 7 weeks since I lost my daughter I have been told that I am an “inspiration” and that I am “amazing” and “strong”… all things that Ive never been told before. Things I never envisioned about myself. At first I thought those people were just being nice knowing that I was hurting, but then complete strangers started saying it and I received messages of hope and courage. I could not believe all the support I was getting all because I was being kind to others through a loss. I never imagined I would be a person that people would look up to or admire, Ive always been such a kind hearted person but never thought anyone would give me any recognition for it. Ive always just been the “welcome mat” so to speak. I was always that friend that was there when people needed but when they didnt need me they forgot about me, but still I was there for them. No matter what. I never believed in the saying “Forgive but dont forget” because if I forgive someone why would I want to hold on to the memory of why I had to forgive them in the first place? to me thats like having someone come over to your house and drop a glass and break it and after you forgive the person you hold onto the broken pieces…why? of course most would throw away the broken glass as its no longer useful. Same goes for forgiving someone, I forgive and I forget, by choice.

All of this combined has helped me grieve. I am not the only person in this world that grieves nor will I be the last. But I can leave a lasting impression on the world by staying strong and moving forward to change the world. I will continue to be kind and help as much as I can and I will make my daughter in heaven proud, she will point down to me and tell other angels “Thats my Mommy”

Remember Love makes the world a much better place!

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I am resilient…

These past few months have been a blur. I never in my life thought I would be faced with such sadness and a broken heart. I’ve gone through things in my life in the past that I thought were so horrible and didnt know how I would get through it but then this all happened and its honestly the worst thing that has happened to me in my entire lifetime. My heart has never broke like this before. Its still broken, but I also learned just how strong I am. I am resilient. I made it through the worst time in my life and I can still smile afterwards. I know many may wonder how I go on day to day and I can answer that in just 1 word. Faith. Whether you are religious or not there is no denying that my faith got me through this storm and I praise God for that. I’ve learned who my real friends are and who they are not. I miss my daughter everyday and often wonder who she would have become. As her due date nears I wonder how I will get through that day knowing she could have been in our arms healthy and alive. Instead she is flying with the angels in heaven. I have such peace in my heart and know that we will be blessed with another baby that we can bring home with us alive. I am grateful for that because I know God knows my heart. I was blessed with a little girl 9 years ago and another 7 weeks ago and my heart holds nothing but love for them both. I love my daughters so very much. My husband has been my rock and with him I can get through anything. Thank you to everyone who has been by my side to wipe away tears, hug me or even just talk to me because it meant the world to me. Xoxo

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