Does anyone really know the “correct” way to grieve? Is there even a “correct” way? I know going through the grieving process myself was very much like becoming a first time mother. I had so much advice from different people, some suggested that I take my time, while others suggested to just move forward as fast as I could. It is so hard to listen to everyone knowing your heart is so confused on how to feel. So how do you grieve? Im going to explore how I have grieved and I hope that whoever reads this can comment with how they grieve or what got them through a hard time in life.
Firstly for me, it was not possible for me to be depressed. I have a husband and a 9 year old daughter that I have to be strong for. I have a job that I have to work at full time and I do not have time to sit around and feel sorry for myself. No matter what obstacle has come in my path I have never faced it with depression. I have felt myself starting to fall into depression but quickly talked myself out of it. Almost like getting close to the edge and then suddenly remembering that if I fall down I would have to climb back up, something that I dont have time for and I certainly do not want to be stuck at the bottom of a pit. So being depressed just simply was not an option.
After the initial shock of what happened I told myself that I have to weigh out the pro’s and con’s of what happened and why. It was then that I realized had she not gone to heaven she could have been faced with a poor quality of life depending on how severe her condition was, and that she could have ended up spending more time in the hospital than at home. My heart would have broke more everyday seeing her in pain. So I asked myself what hurt more? having my heart shattered in one day and then move forward on repairing it or having my heart break slowly over time just to possibly end up shattered in the end. Although I am not happy that my heart suffered such a blow, I am grateful that it was a quick blow and not one that was prolonged. Maybe she would have had a wonderful life and turned out to be a miracle, but I will never know that. I had to reason with myself to get through this.
Amazingly enough after loosing her, I turned into a different person, I told myself I had to reach out and find other women going through this and help them. I just have to… And I did. It brought me such joy sharing my story about Isabelle and listening to the stories of the loss of other angels. I cried for them and I felt the same pain they did. After a while I no longer teared up talking about my angel, instead I smiled because she made me so strong and I feel like my strength has helped others get through the pain they were feeling deep inside. Also all of us women not only share the pain of the loss of a child, but we all share the same faith in our God. How amazing is that?
I still felt compelled to do as much good as I could possibly do so I bought some special gifts for these women and sent them out, I know in one way or another I have impacted them. If a stranger can show such kindess then surely the world must not be as bad as we all think. I hope it shows there is still faith in humanity. Something this world needs to know still exists. Helping other’s makes me feel joy and it helps my heart not hurt so much.
Through the past 7 weeks since I lost my daughter I have been told that I am an “inspiration” and that I am “amazing” and “strong”… all things that Ive never been told before. Things I never envisioned about myself. At first I thought those people were just being nice knowing that I was hurting, but then complete strangers started saying it and I received messages of hope and courage. I could not believe all the support I was getting all because I was being kind to others through a loss. I never imagined I would be a person that people would look up to or admire, Ive always been such a kind hearted person but never thought anyone would give me any recognition for it. Ive always just been the “welcome mat” so to speak. I was always that friend that was there when people needed but when they didnt need me they forgot about me, but still I was there for them. No matter what. I never believed in the saying “Forgive but dont forget” because if I forgive someone why would I want to hold on to the memory of why I had to forgive them in the first place? to me thats like having someone come over to your house and drop a glass and break it and after you forgive the person you hold onto the broken pieces…why? of course most would throw away the broken glass as its no longer useful. Same goes for forgiving someone, I forgive and I forget, by choice.
All of this combined has helped me grieve. I am not the only person in this world that grieves nor will I be the last. But I can leave a lasting impression on the world by staying strong and moving forward to change the world. I will continue to be kind and help as much as I can and I will make my daughter in heaven proud, she will point down to me and tell other angels “Thats my Mommy”
Remember Love makes the world a much better place!