I know its been a while since my last post, and I promise I did not just vanish! 🙂
I just needed some time to myself and to continue in my healing process. I have since removed some negative people from my life and have continued to move forward step by step, even if that meant baby steps.
I have so much to fill in but not enough time today, so I will catch up soon!
xoxo
Wrote this for Isabelle ❤
Sweet angel in the sky, sometimes I wonder if you can see me cry? Do my tear drops fall in heaven just like the rain falls on earth? I know you are in Jesus' arms dancing in the clouds.
Do you sing to me with the wind?
Because I feel you every where I've been. Sometimes I wonder if you tickle my nose with feathers just floating in the breeze?
At times it really puts my mind at ease.
Once the sun sets and shines on me no more, I feel you with me evermore. You shine through the stars, a sparkling delight. I find you each and every night, I look for the star that is ever so bright.
I do not wish upon your star, for I already know where you are. Beside me watching with glee, as I stare into the sky, with so much to see.
To sleep I must go now again and hope that in my dreams we will find each other again, until then I love you and sweet dreams my child.
Everyone told me there would be good days and bad. That every moment I had would be up in the air. How I feel will change day to day and then somedays I will have nothing to say. There will be days of joy and bliss but there will always be something amiss.
How can I smile when somedays I dont even want to open my eyes?
Or how do I stand up when my knees feel so weak? I struggle somedays just to get out of bed but no one sees that as I hide it well…I start some days with a lump in my throat and hope no one notices. I hope they dont notice the tears building up…My heart is big, but it has scars, some are deep and some are small but they remind me just how strong I am on the days I feel down… Sometimes its the only thing that gets me through. I just didn’t believe the words spoken to me, about rough days ahead filled with sadness at times. I naively thought I would be just fine but it turns out ‘just fine’ did not bode to well for me because it seems day after day my heart aches in a way that cannot be healed. I leave my trust and faith in my God above to get me through these rough days ahead so that I can truly smile instead.
Today is a day I remember freedom isnt free. Today I also remember all those that fought for you and me. Those that lost a life in turn may have saved many lives, the ultimate sacrifice. The men and women that serve this country with such honor and respect deserve to be thanked each and every day, but especially today. I will especially thank the ones already layed to rest in the ground they died protecting. The saying is true that “all gave some and some gave all”. So today lets give them our all, our honor and respect, Our love and compassion and most of all appreciation. God Bless and thank you for making me feel safe and protected.
I asked myself this question today and awaited a response from within but there was nothing. No answer. So does this mean there is really no answer to this question?
I tell myself everyday that I must trudge on and keep moving forward because anything else is moving backwards. This task is very hard, its like walking a path with lots of patches of burning coals. I keep walking forward knowing there will be pain but I cant turn back because there is pain that way too. So you see no matter what I do there will be pain and heartache.
This walk of grief has been hard on my soul. There have been moments of joy and thoughts of making it through and then there have been moments of deep sadness and despair. Sometimes I feel like I cannot win. I feel like I am under a black cloud and nothing good will come. 2013 has turned out to be the worst year in my entire life and I do not see anything good happening in the future. I know you may be wondering why I am being so negative and its simple, because there has been nothing positive to write about today. Yes, I am at a low point right now and I will get above water eventually but for now I need to feel what I feel when I feel it. That is part of the grieving process. I can be mad, sad, angry and happy. I am entitled to.
So what do I have to do to mend my broken heart? will I find pieces along the way? or will it just never be the same?
Odd title huh? let me elaborate.
In this society many are not inclined to help other’s in a time of need… To be brutally honest most just turn their head the other way and pretend to not notice because then they will not be expected to react. How sad is that?
Most people carry on day to day and continue walking forward with “horse blinders” on. They see what they want to see and nothing more.
This has been shown to happen over and over again, there are numerous tragic stories about things happening while people just stood by and watched…never offering any help. There are a few specific events that stick out in my mind… a small child was hit by a car and laid in the street injured, the video coverage shows people walking by and looking but never helping the child. That child died. A man was pushed onto the train tracks in NYC a few months ago and not only did no one help him up before the train hit him, but instead they found time to take a picture moments before the train took away the mans life. Pretty disturbing isn’t it?
There is one story that I will always remember of help being offered during an injury, and it was not a person. It was an animal. I’m sure most have either seen or heard of the story of the dog that was hit by a car and another dog risked his life to drag the injured dog across a few lanes of traffic to safety, shortly after some people rushed over and helped. The dog survived.
So why is it that animals can display such selflessness but most of us cannot?
I’ve recently asked myself this over and over again after going through the loss of a child. Most of my friends and family offered support and condolences but not many followed through. I had received so many messages of hope and love for the first week or so, but then it just stopped. I had felt so amazing after the loss knowing I had such a huge support system, but sadly those feelings came crashing down after it stopped. I felt alone and vulnerable. There was no one there to rescue me.
I could have just sulked into a depression and allowed myself to just cry until I could no more but I didn’t. Instead I turned my pain into gain. I realized that what has happened to me has also happened to others. I did not want anyone feeling my hurt, I did not want anyone feeling alone in this walk with grief. I have to save them.
So I started this blog with hopes to “help” others in need. So they know they are not alone. At first I did not know if or how it would work, I just figured I will put my hands on the keyboard and whatever comes to mind I will type. I am pretty amazed at all I have written so far. I can honestly say after re-reading my own posts that I inspire myself. I keep myself going and I trudge through even on days when my legs cant move.
I was so excited watching my blog count go up and when I reached 400 hits I thought “Wow! I AM touching peoples lives!” I was so very proud of myself and humbled. Now I have over 5,500 hits! To know that I have inspired that many people touches my heart in such an amazing way. It makes me feel alive.
Helping others in need is something we should all be doing. You have no idea how you will impact another persons life. For all I know maybe a woman read my blog and decided against having an abortion, or maybe they decided to take a leap of faith and do something they never imagined doing. Maybe I made someone smile when they were down in the dumps. I will never know, but I hope that I have affected each and every person that has visited my blog. I have received such amazing comments and messages that it makes my heart smile.
If I can say one thing to the world it would be to help those in need because you never know when you will be the one in need.
I am a stranger to everyone here, but yet you all have helped me xoxo
I wrote this today and I hope it will touch your heart the way it did mine. xoxo
“Should have been”
*A Poem for mother’s grieving the loss of their baby on their due date.*
My life changed forever once I knew you were with me.
And every appointment I had brought me closer to meeting you.
I delicately counted up the weeks, thinking soon I would reach the peak.
I had so many plans for you, so many plans for me.
So you see you were very special to me.
Our bond was like no other, we were one.
I often wondered what day you would be born.
Would you be late or early?
I wondered what your cry would sound like and how happy I would be.
But the only crying sounds I heard were my own.
I never imagined it would be like this.
I should have been at the end of my last trimester.
But I’m not.
I should have been holding you in my arms so proudly and showing you off.
Instead of the nurses coming in to see you and smile they tip toed around afraid to make me cry.
The room was so silent and sad; it was as if I was in a room at the end of the earth.
There were no balloons, flowers or congratulatory cards.
Instead just sympathy cards and a paper with a list of funeral homes listed.
I was given all the time in the world with you, but it did not bring you back.
After we said good bye I watched you be wheeled away.
Part of me wanted to scream “Stop! Why are you taking my baby away?”
But I knew I could not do that. Instead I crumpled to the bed and sobbed my tears away.
The first night sleeping without you was hard; I wished it was just a bad nightmare.
My womb was still swollen from the life it carried, but it felt empty inside.
The next morning was worse, packing up my things, knowing I was leaving without you.
I should have been dressing you in your “going home” outfit and taking your last hospital pictures.
But instead I had to walk out of the hospital doors with nothing in my arms.
I came in pregnant and scared; and left empty and broken hearted.
Now all I have left is your memories and the “should have been”
© Copyright 2013 by Patricia J. Mercogliano
All rights reserved
Everyday I miss and think about her. Today I would have been starting my 31st week of my pregnancy, instead I am starting the 11th week since she went to Heaven. I am always looking for signs that she is around me and I have not had any lately. Maybe she is just having a wonderful time in Heaven ❤ I wonder if she is with other loved ones that have gone too soon. Do they know she is our daughter…?
When someone told me that grief is like a rollercoaster I only half believed them. I thought to myself I could get through this, but they were right…100% right. It is like a rollercoaster and sometimes it has such sharp turns that it knocks me off my feet. I spent one Sunday in bed most of the day because I just had no energy to put my feet on the ground. I can thank my best friend for coming and getting me out of bed that day, otherwise I would not have.
Just this past Sunday I walked 3 miles in her honor at the March of Dimes. It was nice and I got to walk with my some amazing people including a lady that also lost her baby girl to Turners Syndrome. It is so refreshing to talk to other women that share your pain. They know exactly how you feel. I am planning a nice "angelcation" to Myrtle Beach this year as well and it will be with other mommies that lost babies to Turners Syndrome. It will be so refreshing and I know our angels will be so happy that they brought us together.
Also as far as having another baby goes, even though we did everything correct last month I did not get a positive pregnancy test. So we are about to start our 2nd month trying. We will stay optimistic and know that God will bless us when the timing is right. xoxo
On May 5th I am invited to break the silence on loss and show the world that I am STILL STANDING after loss and infertility by sharing a picture on facebook, twitter, instagram and pinterest. I will include the hashtag “#iamstillstanding” to connect with and find others participating. Its such an amazing idea and so far I see that over 500 people are going to be doing the same thing. How amazing it will feel to tell the world I am an angel mommy, even though most already know. I made my picture that I will upload on May 5th and I love it. I miss my daughter so much, every day I grow stronger though. She is so proud of her mommy. I just know it. I know there are SO many women that suffer in silence and it is so sad to go through this alone, no matter how early the loss is it was still a loss and it still broke our hearts. I know that having something “Freshly Pressed” gets the word out there, so I will hope and pray this gets “Freshly Pressed” because then maybe it will reach some mommy’s or daddy’s that have lost a child. Maybe it will give them the courage to tell the world. If anyone reads this post, please share with others and get the word out. IF this one post can help ease someone’s pain then it was all worth it. God Bless! xoxo
Here is the ‘Event’ page on Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/events/552753651414253/
I wish you were still inside of me today, I wish you were still kicking me and giving me stretch marks. I wish my breasts would ache from the milk that is coming in to feed you. I wish I would feel sick to my stomach and crave everything in sight. I wish I would be gaining weight and blaming it on you growing. I would give anything to have my back hurt again and my feet swell. I want to be uncomfortable laying in bed and I want to have trouble zipping my winter coat over my expanding belly. While you were still inside me I washed all of your clothes, I folded them after smelling them and imagined you in them. I wish I could get sick from the smell of laundry detergent and diesel gas again. Because if I could have that all back again then that would mean you were still alive inside of me </3
A journey of Life, Loss, Hope and Strength 